Another phase of life

something missing

2011-07-21T23:18:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I felt like I was struggling and was heading to nowhere.

A month ago, I got what I deserved. I was compensated for my hardwork. I was offered a bright future. I harvested my efforts. They were not lost. I had someone looking after me. Career wise, it kept getting better.

Now, I still feel something missing. Maybe it's time to build my own family. Maybe because my parents are not here with me. Maybe it's all about work. What about relationships? what about family? What about friends? I have got to a point where work is priority and all others are secondary. This include health.

I guess there is only so much you can juggle. Guess that it an excuse and I cannot deny I am that ignorant.

But no, from today onwards, I will be that clown who juggles all three balls at the same time. Promising to never let it fall. Work hard and play later.....

i tried

2011-03-29T04:09:00.000-07:00

I tried to be more understanding but the more I try to stand by you, the more foolish I feel I become.

I don't understand why before you borrowed my money, dumped all your current and future salary, risked losing your whole life savings and thinking so optimistically, did you not consider who you were sharing with? have you got a back up plan? How you want your life to be in the future? and how the business will go and if it will go the way you hope it will?

You said you wanted to learn. Well, I hope it has given you a great lesson, for throwing cash into the sea. Not only money is wasted but time as well.

So are you happy now? Have you learnt enough? Have you risk enough of our future to learn????

start from nothing.

2011-01-16T04:54:00.000-08:00

it is okay

to need a house as collateral to buy into my pharmacy
yet not have enough no matter how much i save, for my house deposit because houses go up so much year after year - and therefore my salary is capped

it is okay

to not take a single penny from home ever since i start working yet have to pay for my education loan and still have to pay for my brother's living fees

it is okay

to take the burden on because i know my parents are old and my brother deserves the same sort of education that i was given

it is okay

when she says he is not good enough for me because i know nothing in the world would be good enough anyway for their little precious girl

but it is not okay

i try and try and i feel i am the only one struggling but i am still getting no where. i feel the world is so unfair. people born with golden spoon will still be spoonfed and people who are poor continues to be poor

but it is not okay

to put the burden on me and i feel like i am in no position to decline. why am i born to be so understanding and try to put everything on my shoulders when they are too small to carry

but it is not okay

i am trying to go for love yet let money be an obstacle to my happiness. that i have to choose sides - one which i choose will go against my values and the other if i choose, will go against my heart?

mum just left

2010-09-05T01:22:00.000-07:00

when i was young, mum would always ring home to check on us and i always thought to myself, "is mum not working hard enough to have to time to ring us? or she just has nothing better to do". Being a workaholic, i hardly have anything on my mind when i work - be it personal issues or work issues, simply because i don't have the time!

but when mum was here for a week and i had to work for 4 days, three 9 to 9 shifts and one sunday shift, i find myself ringing to check on her all the time. mainly because i was worried of her, being dumped alone and she can't understand the aussie accent very well. i was worried she would get lost! so i finally understood, caring for someone comes naturally from within. it comes from your genuine love for someone and there is always time to care for someone!

mum's just left adelaide after a 9 day stay. it is a very sad day for me. she visited me at work before she left and i cried while typing scripts. my colleagues all gave big hugs. but sometimes i think to myself, it is just not fair! why do i have to be the one to leave my family back home? malaysia is not safe for me to go home to and i was given this opportunity to leave this horrible country yet i have to leave my most precious things there. it is no fair!!

if only i have a house - mum and dad can just stay with me. SIGHS

it is the past

2010-08-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

my friend who is good friends with one of my ex has asked me if i was gonna be embarrassed by the presence of my ex whom i haven't talked to since we broke up 3 years ago (because he ignored me!) at her wedding. To which I replied "yes! but i would behave and make things more comfortable".

Eh people big wedding, takkan i give stupid face right? and what's more i am bridesmaid (almost maid of honour but i didn't want to give speech!and what do i know about weddings??). It's not like I really care about his feelings anymore but i've been imagining what to say when i see him, note: he is also coming to another friend's wedding, which means i'll see him probably 4-5 days in total.

a) could just walk up and shake his hand (HAHA) he'll probably be so dumbfounded he doesn't know what to do. and of course say hi!
b) could stare at him and wait til he says hi - i'm such a bitch!
c) ignore him the whole wedding - which is what he might choose to do

the question is (obvious) - how to face an ex? i have no experience in this whatsoever because i have always been able to maintain a good relationship with my exes. maybe they maintained a good relationship with me - knowing me, i would be whatever! how do you face someone who chose to ignore you and whom you haven't spoke to for so long that you barely remember how he looks like anymore? how do you face someone that shattered your heart into pieces thinking it was the best solution without asking you first?

i guess there is no better solution than to just face it. i shouldn't care so much now because i have move on..... WAY way long long LONG time a go....... fuck that prick! HAHHAHAHHAHA

WOW it's time...........!

2010-07-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

i guess it's time to update this dead space here. has it been so long? this year passed by so quickly, i quit counting the days. sighs.

so what have i been up to these months? except having tonnes of visitors from overseas whether it's mine or my friends, countless karaoke til we were drunk night, clubbing til people got into fight nights, birthdays, dinners - this year has also been my holiday year!!

in jan, i went to adrian's friend's wedding in melbourne. in july, went to friend's birthday in sydney - had the opportunity to try world class's chef's degustation menu, and it was so awesome! food was great, ambiance was great, customer service was exceptional and the company of course, was fun! then mum is coming over in aug and i'll be going home end of the year for 4 weddings. cannot believe it and siew shan lyn, i am extending my holidays just for you babe!!!

besides taking on a super role i hated, i have also enrolled myself in diploma in retail management. it is so different from what i used to do in uni. it is so theory based but i do find some stuffs they teach very useful.

being pushed into managerial role just makes me hate my job - i dont get an increase in pay and i have to learn how to solve conflicts, try to tell people off etc.

i've always been not so confident but i'm really not cut out to manage a pharmacy, and it makes me think twice if i want to buy into this pharmacy because what's the point of being rich if i dont enjoy my job?

maybe i should give myself more credit for the stuffs i have done. well at least the pharmacy is still there and everything is still running smoothly. staffs are not leaving.

oh well if i think about the bad things that can happen - it hasn't happened yet - then maybe i am a good manager. but if i think about if the pharmacy is moving forward, i really doubt so.

so my leadership is a little bit like me - resistant to change :(

a different phase

2010-03-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

As i step into my quarter life, I realize a lot of things are different now. The way I think, the things I want in life, the friends I hang out with... have all changed. The good thing is I do not regret what I have become today. There is nothing in life that I wish I can go back to change. I like what i am today, I like I have matured and become wiser and independent. Well except that I hate turning a quarter century, the number is getting just a little too big. lol.

Anyway there was this guy who come up to me all out of a sudden while i was working and *ahem* declared his love for me. I was like "jeez this guy is crazy man!" and he was! because at first he brought in flowers and chocolate and then he drop by to say hi when i wasn't working and then he bought me icecream and milk shake. NOTE: i do not know this guy at all. BUT hey!! I AM NOT TWENTY ANYMORE AND THESE TRICKS DON'T WORK ON ME! It made me realize how utterly GELI is it to receive flowers from someone i don't like/know and how I've changed from you know, liking handsome tall musically inclined romantic dudes to guys whom i know can take care of me in the future and someone who can be a good father to my children and someone whom i can depend on!

Nothing is absolute in life! who knows down the road, i might wanna feel young again and start liking handsome/cute/boyish guys. lol. for now i am happy with what i have and am ready for what i can achieve in future!

the never ending rant

2010-01-13T04:24:00.000-08:00

Once again, I am extremely embarrassed by my country - what my people do, what my people say on tv certainly do not do my beautiful country any justice at all. But it is not fair because we have always lived in harmony - we communicate and live well together. Not until recent years that Malaysia have been portrayed as a country who everyone knows has a deputy prime minister that likes to sodomize people or a country that has BIG racial issues.

I guess as the chinese idiom goes, "no paper can wrap fire". As we get more educated and as we know more of our rights, we've learnt that "the rights of bumiputera cannot be questioned" becomes increasingly disturbing. We've learnt that our education sucks because our leaders don't even know how to speak proper english to defend themselves on tv. We've learnt that we not only do not know how to voice our opinions but we answer as if we do not understand the question. We've learnt that the leader we pick, do not defend us non-muslims, they supress us and try to cover up every single truth that leaks out - and hope in time the problem will solve by itself.

I'm sorry the world has to know about our ugliness and i'm sorry the world does not know about how beautiful and peaceful Malaysia really is. Life is not fair. It is not fair at all.

presents

2010-01-06T04:03:00.000-08:00

ARGH present shopping is driving me nuts!!! For the past year, I have been the one shopping for presents, be it birthday, christmas, anni etc, because I am the one with week days off! why should i be the one to be penalized just because i have day offs? Whenever I wanna buy a present, everyone else wants to share and then everyone else has an opinion too. ARGH. if you want me to buy the present, I, your royal highness will decide! So QUIT telling me what I should and shouldn't do. And why the hell do people think so much when they buy a present. It is just a present. It is the thought that counts. It doesn't matter what it is and it doesn't matter what consequence it has.

so everyone is getting a gift card from me this year! THERE. problem solved!

marriage

2010-01-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

OMFG..... is there any news besides people getting engaged/married/have babies because I am really sick of these stuffs already and to think that I am only turning a quarter century this year, does make me feel - are we too young?! ok maybe not.. and i am not ranting because i am bitter okay? of course i wanna get married and have kids but not at the age of 24! there is still so much stuffs out there to explore than to be tied down. right right, it's about the happily ever after which we all know things are more REAL than that yada yada yada.. whatever!

so hey people, if you have any good news, can it be something like you've striked lottery or becoming a monk/priest or anything like that?! i need new stuffs happening in my life, like NEW and EXCITING!!

p/s: i am still happy for people who are getting engaged!

friends and love

2010-01-01T21:47:00.000-08:00

well. i guess i have been really pessimistic lately but now it's all good. i have forgotten about the past and moved on from there.

i think being a human being and living on this planet earth is the greatest journey one can ever have (not like i've tried being anything else), but the emotions you experience, the relationship you share with someone but yourself is such a beautiful thing. You learn to accept something so different from you but of course this doesn't come without conflict and arguments.

So much has happened the past festive season and they taught me one thing - that is all humans are different to each other and if we want to live together, we have to learn to accept the person for who they are. Be it selfish, stingy, thinks logic the other way etc. And putting up resistance, fighting and trying to change who they are, is a lot harder than accepting it.

And I am glad I've found my other half that I know I can spend the rest of my life with. He who lets me be who I am and who accepts my mistakes, my recklessness and dumbness. He who throws me in the deep water and taught me the only way to survive is to find the determination to swim. He who never judges me and gives me full freedom to decide on my own future and who always include me in his future.

I love you be, even if you the nastiest temper :P

Friendship

2009-12-11T04:29:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of changes as we grow old. We grow more cynical, more negative, more we-know-it-all, wiser, we get more experienced.. you catch my drift. The part i hate about growing old is not only where i have to make my own decisions or about how people judge how successful you are by your financial status but also the part where some things force you to accept that what you used to think when you were young - were just naive thoughts. That things you used to believe in so strongly is just wrong! That the world doesn't seem to be the planet that you painted in your head.

I love my friends and I used to think they are my world and I can't live without them and that they are always my priority besides my family but now, I don't know what to think anymore. I am so deeply hurt, I don't believe in forever friends anymore. Yes they mould me to become who I am today but they also leave you and strip you off any happiness that's left in you.

and no, i don't believe in everlasting friendship anymore because things change and humans change.

And yes I would like to keep that cynical part of me, thank you!

Impermanence

2009-12-09T04:37:00.000-08:00

Budha said

"All things are impermanent"

And this is how I see friendship.....

for now.

TeeVee

2009-12-06T01:11:00.000-08:00

TV used to be my life at high school but when I stayed at Klang for uni in the first year, i was deprived of it. Throughout uni life, i never really watched tv, because we were not rich enough to get one and slowly I grew out of my addiction for tv. In primary school, I remember we used to write essays about how tv is good for you and I never understood why TV helped improve general knowledge - well, maybe because I often only watch tv dramas on tv.

Up until today - Just 2 hours of TV and I found out that elephants are the cutest animal on planet, because they understand human very well and they remember how you raise them and a newborn elephant weighs 100kg; or be careful of what you bring into australia or nz because herbal elixirs can contain bear (yes the animal bear) bile that is prohibited or the speed of a sneeze is as fast as 150km/h and supressing it subjects your ears to that high of a pressure and etc etc.

more tv for me from now onwards!

Judgmental

2009-12-03T00:51:00.000-08:00

In my two years career of being a pharmacist, i cannot help myself but be judgmental because it is the instinct that helps me differentiate dodgy people from people who are 'real'. You see, one of my very hated role, is to make sure that medicines do not fall in the hands of BAD people and eventhough i do not understand why we should be put thru verbal abuse at work all the time, i still manage to understand why we are the first row of defence. It is a bit like saving the planet (recycling) - your role can be extremely small but if everyone does the same, it can still be a big impact. I can say we have a lot of druggies here in Australia - either they are addicted to pain killers themselves or they convert otc drugs to illicit drugs and make money from it. So I have this instinct called judgement where i'll act as if i don't have that stock they want when they first come in rather than rejecting the sale thereafter, which often ends up very messy - like shouting at your face and throwing things on the floor.

So i was taught to be judgmental and eventhough it is bad practice in pharmacy - it is better to be safe than sorry!

and so what do you think comes into my mind when i saw a video clip on how some malay people was using a hammer to break thru car windows and i see some police standing around the car and then i see a chinese guy finally climbing out of the car with blood over his head. He was then punched by malay guys in plain clothes on the head repeatedly. Immediately I thought to myself, why are they so racist? I mean I knew those people with a hammer and who threw punches weren't police - they were callmen and who the hell gave them the authority to take justice into their hands? is it because the guy in the car is a chinese and the rest are all malay that makes them think they are powerful than we are. I am sorry but I am judgmental and even after i knew that the chinese guy steal from old people, I still do not think he deserve the type of abuse he was put thru. stopped in the middle of the road and being treated like a criminal with a gun or any weapon.

i am judgmental because no matter what kinda video clip i see online about my country that involves malay - the word racist would come into my mind. I am sorry but I think I am allowed to be judgmental because we chinese have lost our rights and being in a country where the malay population is growing exponentially, i feel like we have been repressed. I am judgmental because the country made me judgmental.

And eventhough I live in a land so foreign i feel alone, yet I feel safe, I feel civilized and I feel respected and that i know my rights of a human being will not be taken away from me.

Men are REALLY from mars...

2009-11-20T23:49:00.000-08:00

I used to have a colleague who read me the book "Men are from Mars and women are from venus" during my one hour lunch break for at least a week, because we both couldn't agree on who should borrow the book first. We didn't finish the book but i think she did. Anyway it's a great book. It depicts how different men think from women. Many times when my colleague reads a paragraph, we would both exclaim how true the words were. The one thing i remember is that every time a woman complains, all she wants to do is for someone to listen. But guys see it differently. Guys would think that the problem has to be solve and they think we complain because we want a solution. They think they have the answer to everything. I guess my bf listen really well because most of the time when i whinge about things, he will just keep quiet. HAHA. at least he doesn't stop me! LOL

But something that happened today made me realize I really am from a different planet as my bf! I was busy arranging for a last minute dinner this morning and was one hour late to meet our friends! Being the sweetie that he was, he showered, changed, smoked and drank coffee when i hastilly prepared myself to go out. He never whinge a bit. If it would have been the other way round and he was late because he was doing last minute booking for a very important dinner and can't find a suitable restaurant, i would have gone mad at him. Blah blah about how he shouldn't always do last minute stuffs and he is always the latest to arrive when we meet our friends. I know I can be really naggy and i hate being late!

Maybe it's just him being patient but I really think we both see things differently. The things we prioritize and can get mad about is abosolutely different. I guess he has a bigger heart, he swallows everything in whereas I am more vocal about it and i'll talk about it until I get numb and then i will look for a solution. I am not a very good solver, you see and he is a very big risk taker. I think i over think when i do stuff therefore i am really indecisive.

Argh. Annoyed!!

Being nice

2009-11-12T17:37:00.000-08:00

I think (not self praising at all!) I am genuinely a very NICE person! When people ask me for favours, i will not hesitate and just agree to it. See, eventhough I have to work for the whole weekend *sobs*. I hope people don't see me as greedy because seriously, i just want to help! i believe in karma. I know how it feels being stuck and having no one to help. I don't expect people to help me when i am in need (although it would be nice!) but i don't like the idea of people around me not being helped! I'm a very weird person but I am born nice and patient. I can be not confident of a lot of things but this is one thing i am SURE i have.

I think my bf does that too because he can never say no to anyone at all. He doesn't know his limits very well and he's not the kind to be affected if the person he helped doesn't help him back. See? This is what i call GENUINE. This somehow reminds me of a nilai in moral, which i can't remember already. haha.

SO please do not take advantage of my nice-ness and appreciate me for who i am because i don't wanna change. i don't want to be some cynical old lady when i grow up. The kind that just thinks about the bad side of people. Thanks!

I don't belong..

2009-11-08T04:32:00.000-08:00

Has anyone watched How you I met your mother? I am a fan! It's absolutely hilarious! Anyway, I think it must be the latest episode when the Canadian girl, Robin was trying to get a green card in America. There was a phrase which I find very meaningful, something about she doesn't belong to anywhere - because she was working so long in the States, she doesn't feel Canadian when she's back in Canada, yet she doesn't feel American enough to be American.

I think i'm a little like that now.

I was having coffee one day with a friend back home in Malaysia the last trip back and I said the word 'weird'. And then he said "what did you just say?" and I said "w-e-i-r-d". And to my surprise he's like, "is that Aussie?". And I went "uh... Ya?". You see, in Malaysia, if you realize, we like to pronounce weird as vee-ir-t but when I first came to aussie, my aussie friend told me that my pronunciation was off, he said i like to prounounce "w" as "v" and the right way to say it was something like woe-ird. It's hard to type it, just ask me when you see me :P

So seriously?? When I am back in Malaysia, I complained so much about customer service, about the weather, about civilization, about not having friendly people - hey i needed change to make a call on the public phone booth in the airport because the roaming on my phone didn't work but that stupid indian guy refused and i had to buy a mineral water for $4, thanks to him - wasn't something I could get used to at all. And being back in Aus, about not having a place to hang out til late at night except clubs, about prefering to speak manglish and about being discriminated at sometimes, does make me feel like I don't belong to anywhere.

The longer i stay in Australia, the harder it is to accept the rude Malaysian culture, yet I am not Aussie enough to understand their fascination with football and wine and humour, because it's hard to shake off that 20 years of identity in you.

I know sometimes that people do envy I had the chance to be out of Malaysia. But everyday I still find myself waking up in a foreign land and asking myself,

"So where do I belong? "

emo post

2009-10-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

I think I should name my blog "the emo blog" because I only blog when I am emo. It think it's alright because no one reads it anyway. lol. Which is good because less blog haters will kacau it then! Sighs. Had a really bad day at work yesterday and woke up early today (sunday!) because i ter-thought of the incident. I hate it when you are just trying to do your job properly and people reads it differently. I emo not because of fucking customers but I think I did not defend my staff and myself very well during the incident and hence, the abuse. I think it was not necessary for her to scream at us and then ring us up again to continue telling us we were wrong. I think I should have done so much more to protect my staff but I didn't. Sometimes my patience can be such a bad thing for my work. I can't not have it yet I can't have too much of it either.

It's just things like this that makes me come face to face with weakness. I have a lot of pride. I hate losing. I hate to be the one who doesn't know anything. I run from problems and avoid them. And these things make me hate the person that I am. It makes me think that being nice is a weakness. I admire people who can stand up for themselves because it is something I never learnt to do even after so long. and I feel very disappointed and this time it's not only about me but about the people i work with.

*argh* life sucks! maybe i should just go for standing up for yourself at work 101. :(

I don't want to grow up!

2009-10-26T18:53:00.000-07:00

I think I started on a post last week but didn't finish it because the bf got home! I don't want him to know about my blog. LOL. Mainly because he thinks it's very wussy and emo-ey if there is such word. Life seems to plateau out. It's flat, nothing too exciting happening. So many decisions I have been delaying to make. I am just lazy you know!

It's been my 4th year here in Adelaide. I love this place but it would have been better if my parents are here with me. It would be great to come back for a delicious meal nicely made on the dining table. It would be great to be surrounded by REALLY old people and then balanced out by hanging out with the angry teenager! I am scared of getting married because I don't want to grow up. I don't want to have to stay at my in laws house and never ever stay with my parents again. Most of my good friends in Adelaide are either getting married or got married. They think I feel the pressure but I don't. Seriously I don't. Well unless the person is very rich and I don't need to work.

I really want to get my own house, I mean I can already but I have very expensive taste so I don't want to settle for something I can afford but don't like. I am very greedy. But I get stress when my budget doesn't match my favourite. So I have decided not to think about it first.

Aargh. This is a boring post. LOL. ciao~

i am kambing bag!

2009-09-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

In less than 24 hours, i will be stepping down the plane to a humid and horrid country of tudungs, muttons and rude people.... BUT I AM FREAKING EXCITED! i am not sure if it's work stress but it feels like i can BREATHE! wooooooohooooooooo.........

anal

2009-09-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

Nope, if you're wondering what i'm talking about, i definitely do not mean gay here. Let's not go there. Anyway I am anal. I am very anal about certain things. I think I am a very weird person, and one who is very random too. I am a perfectionist. Everything I do or attempt to, I have to make sure I am the best or at least be good at it. In other words, you can probably say i am very kiasu. BUT i do not show my kiasu-ness yet people who know me would know.

There was once when i asked two friends for dinner and one of them asked me if my food was edible. Another friend replied that if i were to invite them for dinner, it would definitely be nice, because i only show people the better part of me. So I am very anal when it comes to cooking for people. I am also very anal when i drive. I don't like driving people because my parkin skills are literally non existent. That's why I took 4 years to actually start driving and that is also because i have to switch two buses before i can reach my workplace.

I am also very anal when it comes to dressing. I only stick to clothes that would look right on me. SO I am not very experimental and my clothes look the same! The style is dead. I had a friend told me, I like leggings and they make me look very thin, like bird's leg or something. I guess I do have a very competitive nature because I have to be the best or at least not the worst. I will not experiment with stuffs that I am not confident with. Maybe that's why i tend to have more good guy friends that girl friends. This competitive nature of mine is very tiring, it's good to hang out with guys because you don't need to think of what to wear or what to say.

and maybe that's why confidence is so important. If you feel confident of yourself, it doesn't matter what you wear or what you do, you know you are worthy and great. And until i gain confidence in myself, I will have to continue with this competitive nature of mine, or shall i say kiasuness.

religion vs culture

2009-09-04T07:11:00.000-07:00

The other day when I had dinner with my friends, a sensitive topic popped up - religion. My friend didn't want to have a grand birthday dinner and there were no gifts or anything because to him, he was mourning for his grandma who just passed away. He didnt want to celebrate at this time of the year. So some of my christian friends asked him what religion he was and he said he didnt have one, but his grandma was actually a catholic. Then my friend asked if he shouldn't mourn because she was going home to a better place but he just replied that it's too confusing but he just doesn't feel like celebrating anyway.

So i don't think there is really any lines that differentiate what is actually culture and what is religion even though they are both very different things. For me, i embraced buddhism when I was young and of course I had joss stick moments because we can't take away culture from religion but I went to a buddhist sunday school and i know what true buddhism is. It's not about praying or about chanting. But like any other religion, it teaches the way of life, which is something I find very practical about. I learnt to respect other people's religion too.

I definitely think humans need religion - not because we're curious about the afterlife, but because it teaches us to be good, it guides us and it gives us hope. Yet, some people I know does not even celebrate chinese new year because to them cny is praying to gods and giving food to gods but it is never the case. Because chinese new year is an occasion/celebration to meet up with friends and relative - to reunite and have fun! It is culture and who says religion cannot be mixed with culture? Just because you are not a taoist/budhist doesnt make you less chinese!

I guess there's always the extremist and the ones who are neither here neither there or everywhere. But for me culture is still tradition and it is who you are born as and to deny that part of you is just very shameful.

sometimes i don't know how i got here

2009-08-31T07:55:00.001-07:00

As the title indicates, I don't know how did i get here, where I am now. Is it fate? Is it destiny? Who decides what you choose?

How from failing chemistry to getting A1. From wanting to do psychology or anything to do with maths to getting deciding pharmacy. From failing tests in SAM to getting a very high TER in the end! From barely making it thru the first two years of the pharmacy course but graduated with honours by the end of fourth year. From worrying about competing with Aussie students to getting a job before i graduated. From being a first year pharmacist to being pharmacist in charge.

Seriously? Maybe it's hardwork but i definitely have someone shining over me. I just feel so blessed. But...... who helped choose my path?

and would I still be lucky in the future?

my friend

2009-08-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

I have a friend. I have a friend who has been acting strange for the past two years. She shy away from people and isolate herself somewhere far far away. Even when she was living close by, it is as if she was never there at all. Better to be far because at least distance is an excuse. She convinces herself that she is happy, that love is all she need. She tries to join in when she wants to but she fails because she has lost all contacts with the rest. But then even without friends she still says she's happy. The once happy go lucky girl with lots of friends now becomes extremely contented staying home all day watching movies online, talking to her bf on skype and thinks as if the world outside is poisonous.

What kind of guy would isolate the gf from her close friends? What kind of guy would argue with the gf just because someone ELSE put her past pics online? What kind of guy would punish his gf for something that wasn't her own doing? What kind of guy who psychos his gf that she didnt need friends because of his status? I think even Prince William doesnt impose on his gf like that.

Really, it doesnt matter for her good friend to be left as clueless as the rest is. It doesnt matter what kind of excuse he has for his gf that made her so crazy about this relationship. It doesnt matter if her good friend tries to communicate but instead causes more problem.

She doesn't know what to believe anymore. To trust that this friend of hers still has sanity and logic in her? or to be like everyone else and just ignore her?

quarter life crisis

2009-08-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

When I was finally a teenager, I was so happy I became the 'in' crowd and before I know it, I was out of teens. Then it was still cool to get out of teens because this shows that you get to act all grown up and pretend like you're maturing. Anyway time really does fly because next year I am a quarter century old! OMG. This is so so so so so scary. If you were a couple for 25 years, you will be having the 'silver' anniversary! It is THAT LONG.

Age just hit me that it is NOT just a number and it makes sense why people are talking about it all the time. Why Jennifer Aniston becomes the talk of town because her body is so hot even if she's already 40. Why botox is like religion to some people.

I know I know the theme of my blog - Another Phase of Life reflects what is going on in my life now but hey it feels like it's the turning point of my life. Work, Getting married, have kids. I am moving on too fast now. It still feels scary. What if I can't stick to one partner? What if i am not capable of taking care of my kids? What if i am bad mum? What if I cant afford my house? What if I don't achieve what I want in life?

I guess I can sit and wonder what's gonna happen in the future.

Or.

Just make the plunge - that's what life is about. Sometimes there is just no time to think about what you can do but to just DO IT. like Nike does! :P

more like twilight obsession

2009-07-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

So.... One week after finishing the twilight saga - I am even more obsessed than ever. I think even the word obsessed cannot explain how crazy do i feel towards this whole collection. Seriously, I am not kidding! I have tried every way possible to overcome it but so far, i have not succeeded. Not even close! It's like this damn drug in my head. It's like cigarettes to ADrian. Argh.

I've tried numbing it by talking about it all the time until I get really bored. In fact talking about it makes me even more excited. I talked to this friend about twilight for a whole three hours the other day and I almost forgot to eat, well we both forgot to eat. and drink. I've tried youtubing it until I get sick of Robert Pattinson with his cacat face YET he mesmerize me even more with his sarcastic remarks and sexy British Accent. Then I tried to reduce withdrawal symptoms by watching Twilight while waiting for New Moon to be released and I think I've watched the movie 4 times in a week and yet not get tired of it. I know the dialogue by heart now and which song plays on the background.

IT IS THAT SERIOUS!

and I think my high school friends would have an idea of how crazy I can be. I think my last obsession was Jay Chou whom i also ate, sleep and dreamt of. HAHA. I think the level of obsession is the same except that now I am like 8 years older and I am supposed to be more mature *sighs* I guess some things never change.

I wish I hadn't read the saga though because now it feels empty. I need some excitements in life. I want a life filled with whirlwind love and romance! LOL. gosh i should stop embarassing myself here.?

Oh Twilight Twilight can you please please get away from my brain? or can someone just give me a new obsession?

twilight fever

2009-07-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I am a bit slower than the rest. Well, a bit is way understated but I have finally succumb to the twilight fever. Smart ass me finished three of its book in just 6 days. It took longer for me to finish the first book because I have already watched the movie before I read it and although it was different, the plot was too predictable. Anyway i read the three other books in speedlight because it was AWESOME! I hate to admit it but the actor and actresses in the movie were very well picked. I was addicted man. I eat, sleep, drink, go to toilet and dream of the twilight characters. I spend hours with the book after i finish work and i was totally in my own world for the whole week. I went clubbing and all i could think of was the book!

Second book - new moon had so much heartwrenching moments that my heart ache along with it and then there was a twist and it washed all the sad sad parts away. Eclipse was my favourite of the series because all my favourite characters had equal parts in it and it was all very lovey dovey and lots of jealousy and stuffs. Breaking dawn was interesting because there were more twist but i was expecting a bit more but no one can hate a happy ending! HAHA.

After finishing all four, I felt relieved that my eat shit drink twilight days were over but boy was i wrong, i missed it, it felt like i have no purpose of life anymore and it's making me want to watch new moon in a movie even more! SO now i have nothing to read and lots of hungry cravings for a good old love story.

Well i guess all good things have to come to an end. i wish i can stop being so obsessed with it (i am youtubing about it too much too!) that i can finally go back to my life! i need to get a life!!

What has Malaysia becoming into?

2009-07-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

I always feel sorry for my country whenever my friends on my facebook list have to talk about how much they hate politicians in a social network like facebook. I am even more saddened when my fellow Msian friends in Australia is disturbed by what's happening back home. But I do understand being the leader of a country is not easy because you can't please everyone. Yet in Malaysia, nobody has so much anger and frustration with the government as much as us Malaysian Chinese.

I dont care about what trouble this will bring me but we were never treated equally. We made more money because we are smart yet we pay taxes to feed a bunch of ppl who can't do their jobs well. It's no wonder we run from our country. It's no wonder we make up a bunch of excuses to run from paying tax. I sometimes dont blame the police for taking corruption because the higher ranks one ate up all their wages. few hundred dollars a month for a normal policeman is not enough to feed his family. It's no wonder they get tempted. People who are rich and powerful gets richer and people who are poor will remain poor (although this is also happening elsewhere in the world).

If it's not for my family, if it's not for my friends or the food, I would never never never over my sorry ass go back to Malaysia for holidays once a year. Because I feel very unsafe when I go out. I dont know when I'll get snatched. I dont know when i'll get kidnapped/murdered and they will never find out who did it. I dont know when we malaysian chinese would lose the littlest amount of place in this country.

It is a pity because Malaysia is such a beautiful place. Yet governed by a bunch of unbelievebly corrupted people. People who are still elected to do the job eventhough they do it in the grossest manner.

Do we actually have a choice? I really don't know.

boring

2009-07-15T05:50:00.000-07:00

So. No updates lately because life is pretty boring here. The weather is too cold to go out at night. Too much rain makes me lazy too. I'd rather cozzy up at home and watch tv. Weekdays are spent working and Weekends are half working and half partying/movie/eating/coffee. Can't complain because life at this stage is extremely peaceful. normal is good. i like normal.

Nothing new too. the last time I update, i bragged about my car and bag. HAHA. Hmm, maybe I can talk about Adrian's new investment (which I happened to chip in a little too) - his new restaurant. It's not a big place but cozy and more like a take out kinda place. guai los love the food. I dont visit him a lot because I am like a wood when it comes to things i do not know how to do. I only know how to dispense/check scripts and give medical advices. LOL.

And been reading a little too, finally caught up with the Twilight craze. Cant remember when was the last time i bury myself in books. The storyline is really good but the style of writing was just so-so. It did bring me into the mood but it doesnt deliver that sort of "blast" and addictive-ness I was hoping it would.

And I got involved in a freaky incident last night. We usually only have 1 staff at night with a pharmacist and this guy brought in this script which was rather obvious that it was forged. There were two medicines on it and one was a controlled drug item (something like morphine). I never thought I would be able to identify a forged script but I did, right from the beginning. It was freaky because I didnt know what to do. Should I call the police? what if it is a real deal and the police are busy ppl you know. So i rang up the doc to verify the script and he said he hasnt written one with a controlled drug. i am like F**k. So what should i do now? In theory i should have just rang the police but I was too nervous and decided to confront that big guy. Not a great idea but he managed to grab the script and left. DAMNIT someone else could have given him if they're not careful. Anyway, they got caught in the end in another pharmacy. AIKs, my extremely lack of experience nearly got me into trouble. i was shaking so badly after that.

Boss has left for vacation too, leaving me to solve issues in the pharmacy. mind you, i have 20 staffs i need to look out for. To make things worse, it was the flu season and many ppl got sick. I need to replace ppl without exceeding the budget. damn. wasn't an easy task.

So.. that pretty much sums up recent happenings in my life. i hope you enjoyed reading it. HAHA

What I think about my first ex

2009-07-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

I am 24 this year. Not a big age but it feels like everything has only just begun. I've got so much more to learn, to see and to live. So anyway, one day when i was just being really bored, started facebooking and noticed Alex (my first ex!) had a lot of wall posts on his profile. Curious, i decided to look into it and oh my, found out that he has actually proposed! It doesn't shock me, really, because I know he is attracted to commitments (sounds weird?) and he believes in 'the one'. The bigger shock came when I was talking to one of my SAM chi muis and realize he is gonna marry current MCA president's daughter. BUT the biggest shock came even much later when I realize his list of VIPS in his wedding.

HEY, those are ppl too i know, but how often have you got all the hot shots of your country in one venue and that venue isnt even about something important. HAHA. omg, there were past prime ministers (with an s!!!), current prime minister and other miscellaneous prime ministers! i'm not star struck or anything, I bump into christy chung in shopping malls or andy lay in a hotel lobby before and I didnt walk up to them to get autographs (mainly because i am lagging a little!) but those are BIG ppl, of msia!

Suddenly, i feel proud to have dated him. HAHA.

wonder what's gonna happen to my second ex or third ex? marry Megan Fox or something? LOL

Work

2009-06-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

When we were in uni, the 'matured working' people would always tell us that uni life is the best days of your life. Back then I was in uni, and I thought the constant pressure of achievement kept me from enjoying life to its fullest. I hate exam days when nights are days and days are nights but of course, they were days of partying, of holidaying and not worry about exams, mahjoing til the wee hours of the morning that i wish i now have the energy to do!

But true enough, as they the 'wise' people had warned that working life is like a no return. Once you stepped into it, it's like your feet being stuck to mud. Of course I enjoy the financial independence that I once yearned so much (because i save a lot during uni days so my parents didn't need to spend so much on me!) and I have a great job with a good income that allows me to indulge in anything I want. BUT it is these indulgences that kill me.

It feels like i can't get out of it already. I have to keep working until I die. And i will be getting a house next year, i would die even faster. Anyway the reason I am whining is not because of the course of life I am going through now but I just had a bad day at work yesterday and it really demotivated me a lot. Sorry I am weak but this is who I am.

Being pharmacist in charge, I am liable for what staffs do, well this of course includes their stupidity, their not-listening-properly-and-then-puts-the-blame-on-you problem which I find it very hard to swallow. Honestly why should i be blame if you made a mistake? why should i be liable when if i were you, i wouldn't have done it in the first place?!

BUT this what a boss is supposed to do. It's like a waitress being complained by a customer, the manager has to step up and apologize. ANd honestly I am no boss material because I believe your actions are your own consequences. I can't convince myself to buy into shares for this pharmacy because i really don't think I know how to manage people.

ARgh. so here I am stucked! I need to be boss to feed my indulgences yet I know I won't be satisfied by a meager income if i am not boss? I am just like a big lost greedy monster. I guess I can't have both then?

My Addiction

2009-05-20T05:48:00.000-07:00

I think i need help! I have a serious form of psychological disorder that no anti-depressants/ anti-psychotics would help!

I am addicted to.. SPending! Using money! The more I spend, the happier I feel and the less stressful I become. I need to keep spending in order to sustain the 'level of good mood' and when I don't spend, it feels as if something is missing. I would even feel the urge to spend even if there are not shops open at night, here in Adelaide. and guess what do I turn to? Online spending. Omg. This is really bad!

Just paid off my credit card bills that I racked up almost to its limit. Can you imagine I spent all of my wages (minus rent and bills etc) on stuffs that I don't even need? I need help man! Urgent and desperate help. I need to channel my vicious spending energy into something more productive, perhaps studying would be good! Maybe doing a short course! AHA perfect or exercise, like Yoga. or just put all my money in an investment! or or or....

argh. it's all just in the mind. I must learn to control it!

Looking back

2009-05-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

Out of the blue, I decided to go back to my old blog and have a read about how I managed to get thru my puberty life. A lot of ups and downs and twists and turns but somehow it always turn out alright. I mean of course it turned out fine, because here I am standing, i mean sitting and blogging! Can't say my writing changed much, i still like putting commas everywhere and anywhere I like. Not much of the thinking changes too because when one is born, somehow u are just born with your personality.

But it was more about priorities - then, and now. I've been working almost one and half year now - got thru the period of studying frantically for exams, burning midnight oil, playing mahjong til the light of dawn etc. It just all seems so vague to me now because work fills my life, my bf and my aims in my life. I feel less carefree.

I have nothing to regret because I know I have achieved so much more. I am driving a car that I've set eyes on since forever, I am good at what I do and I am rewarded, I am living a life of a princess, I have the unconditional love of my family, I am going towards the direction that I've always hoped I would lead to. I am vain but I am proud of myself!

Really. Really. I do love my life. But perhaps, life is not just about settling down but towards more aims, more things in life. I'm not talking about greed, but an aim, an aim of life. If u ask me what do I see myself in three years time, I wish to have a house, a 100,000 salary career and to help my parents live better and let them have the freedom to do anything they want without having to worry about money. In five years, I see myself less of a career woman but settling down towards marriage and making my own family.

These are all visions. What i am living now was a vision i had five years back. I hope it just keeps getting better. And same goes to all my friends!

Success

2009-04-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

Was just reading thru Qian's blog and it reminded me the 'twist of fate' I was going thru two years ago. It is very hard to make decisions when 1) you don't what's the right thing to choose or 2) it involves your future and 3)you wished you had both!

High school year, success is define as good grades. College years, success is when you get into the best uni and be the coolest kid in the block. Get out of uni, success is when you get good job offers. 20s is when you spend most of your time trying to make decisions that you think is right.

The definition of being successful varies in individuals and it varies at different point of a time. Sometimes it's family, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's fame, sometimes it's religion. But there is not one time when you can have everything.

And this is when balance comes in. I think it's good to be not extreme. To be rich but have family. Probably not filthy rich but just enough to make give you a comfortable life. To have career but not forget about friends too.

Decisions

2009-04-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered....
why everyone make right decisions except you??

and even if you've made a decision that you swear to stick thru thick and thin,
does it mean that it is the RIGHT decision to make?

Malaysian Dream Girls

2009-04-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

I've always loved watching reality shows, well not ALL but some interesting ones like survival, apprentice and AmericanNextTopModel. But I definitely hate shows like finding true love or perfect partner by competing with 100 thousand other girls who want it for money.

Anyway, I think Malaysia has their own fair share of reality shows. Being overseas, I am not blessed to watch them when I like. But Malaysian Dream girls, despite having lots and lots of Manglish - and i dont think ang mohs would understand, is one of the really good ones I continue to watch until the end of the season.

It is a very Malaysian show - racist, hypocrates, cat fighting etc makes me feel closer to home. LOL. sometimes I wonder how would I manage to get what they are trying to relay because as Asians, we were NOT taught to be expressive. What's more, not everybody has a good grasp of the english language. Malaysia mah.

Anyway, I watched Season one and Season two is now showing. The production people knows the right part to edit and cut and add it into the show to make it interesting. Season two has improved because more people could speak better english and 2) more cat fights - cuz there's one particular confronting angry cat in the show and 3) it has it's climax-es.

Well, you guys should watch it - with less expectations. It's short enough to fill time. HAHA

Earth Hour

2009-03-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

For some reason, Earth hour this year has been widely publicized is blogs around the world. Being environmental conscious is probably becoming the 'in' thing now. Maybe the effect of global warming is taking it's toll on us - tsunami, bush fires, wild snows, fancy name hurricanes. It's. very. scary. I don't feel much when I am in Malaysia but I feel different in Australia. You just know when it is different. Like last year when winter came late and Adelaide experienced the hottest 10 consecutive days, and I almost thought that the weather wouldn't return to normal. It was just like when I was in second year of uni when Malaysia had the worst case of haze. It was so misty and dark and smelly that I remembered telling my friend, "I think doomsday is coming!". Well, perhaps after lots of sci-fi movies later, the 'idea' of doomsday plants deep. I'm not a christian myself but I do believe that humans will one day wipe out themselves due to their insensitivity.

So, what did I do on earth hour? I switched off my lights because THE BF was sleeping and didn't want to wake up for dinner, yet I kept the TV on. HAHAHA. so fail! Anyway, I did manage to wake him up a few minutes later and guess what, we rushed out of the house without switching off the lights! But thank god we were just outside and we hurried in to switch everything off and then we went for dinner. So BASICALLY i didn't sin on Earth hour but let others did! HAHAHA. I planned to just chill outside with friends but the bf ruined it cuz he couldnt wake up for dinner. Hope to do better next year!

Anyway, eventhough we are no where near conserving energy or recycling enough, I think the idea itself of saving the earth is a good start! And i guess that is what Earth Hour is all about. To create awareness of how we're harming the earth. Maybe we're not doing enough but I think we'll get there eventually. Well.. hopefully....

Irrational

2009-03-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

The bad things about me - rational and indecisive. A very powerful combination that always lead to things NOT getting DONE! man, sucks to be me!

ARGH. freaking stress. I just stress about every little thing. Even when I need to plan for a holiday! A car! A house! A career! I am a perfectionist. Every thing I buy, everything I do has to be the best possible way it can get done. I either do it or dont do it at all. It's always all or nothing.

Sometimes I just wish I am more irrational. So that I don't need to think until my head bursts, until my brains cells degenerate. maybe i won't have long to live and if so, i hope I can die happy. HAHA

How many times have I want to buy something yet fail to because I am too rational to get it and how many times have I just took the easy way out when I can't decide - and run! It always harder facing the problem than to run away from it.

But how long can I run away from it? There are still heaps that still need to get done.

AAAAIIIIIIHHHHHHhhhhHHhhh..........

Choices in life

2009-03-15T02:23:00.001-07:00

Gosh. My title sounds so emo! LOL..

Anyways, it is not meant to be an emo post. If in any way it does sound emo, please blame it on waking up from a long nap, thank you.

In life, there is always so much decisions to make. These decisions seem to climb exponentially as we age. During school days, it was just about grades. Money? what money? Then after SPM, it was the crucial which-occupation-should-i-choose dilemma. Then it was - where should I go for uni? Those were the days when parents had veto power to overturn your decisions. Those times were when your parents help you decide.

Now, coming to the working world. It is about what car to buy? How can i make more money to buy a house? When should I get married? I am not ready for kids?! Dont worry I am neither in any of the stage yet. I am, however, in stage 1.

Ever since learning how to drive (on roads), car has been the biggest problem of my life. Well, that was before all the other stage 2 and subsequent levels of trouble came into my life. It was a problem because 1) i am a typical woman driver, i have no idea what's happening to my car UNTIL it starts falling apart 2) i know nuts about cars. (they are just something you use to move around) 3) me just dont like changes. i like sticking to one car.

So. being a woman driver, I had no idea what happened to it, I think my car is falling apart now. Can't blame it because it is already 19 years old. OMG. almost as old as I am. I drive a 1990 Nissan Sylvia btw. I love it because it has quite a loud exhaust and this exhaust thing is very useful when it comes to expressing your erm, anger. It allows you to tell people, "hey you drive too frigging slow!" or "dont stop as you like, idiot!". Anyways, i digressed, it is simple to drive and has power everything - windows, power stearing, automatic doors. If i drove this back in 90s, I would be Brad Pitt/ David Beckham of the era ok?

The point is, I have to change this lovely car of mine - before it gets towed away by RAA. Maybe someone should just bang it and since it has no value anymore, they might as well just reimburse me some $$ *choi choi*. Now, upon worrying about that it will die on me anytime soon (i work til 9pm at night at a very secluded place!), i have to make the next decision to get a decent car.

Here comes all the devils. 1) Do i get a car I really really want but pay heaps for it? or 2) Get something i can afford and well, hopefully learn to like it.

Me likey volkswagen Golf! And they're having a discount too. except that it is ngam ngam above my budget. But if u pay a little more, you get a nice GOLF - the car you like, won't you just die happy?! BUT if i get a Golf, i'll have to cut down on shopping, drinking, karaoke-ing to save money for a house!

And then there is another thing where you have to balance - getting a second hand or a new car? Things get more complicated when new cars now are extremely cheap! The new models have price tags equivalent to at least a 2 year old car! Bargain! But you then have to think about it being devalued REALLY quickly. But then you drive a new car with 3 years warranty that will keep you happy - at least for three years. See how it just falls apart? ERGH. I've asked so many people for their opinions and so many people have so many different opinions.

Now I wish they have this handbook that can help you decide. Money is not something I would take my risk on! Cuz me = dont have money to waste. How I wish daddy had more. So he can save me when I am poor.

So the questions lies.... How do I decide?

First post

2009-03-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

Because I just can't bare to read my old blog of whining about exams and because I have finally entered another phase of my life, I have decided to move on to this new blog (and even changed to a different server). I guess this is life right? forget and move on. Well, your past makes you the person you are now but yet some things are meant to be right at the back of your mind.

I wouldn't want to dwell too much on the emo side of things. So, this is my blog and i can really write whatever I want to - rantings, emo-ings, yuk ma things, ham sap things. HAHA. It's about ME ME ME! woohoo

See how my mood actually changes? :P

Honestly, I've missed blogging. A LOT. I always thought it was just something , like puberty. You like it (or maybe not) but you grow out of it after a while. Seems that blogging is also a place where you can voice out stuffs/ideas that are hard to put into words from the mouth. I think I write better than i speak - Quoted from my colleagues who cried after reading the cards i wrote them. LOL. I am exaggerating a little but it's true! how many people have come back to me, telling me they've kept the note I wrote them waaaayyyyyy back during school days (why does it seem so long ago??). I am precious :)

Ok. time to stop blowing my own trumpet. Thanks guys for reading :) updates coming soon!