something missing

A year ago, I felt like I was struggling and was heading to nowhere.

A month ago, I got what I deserved. I was compensated for my hardwork. I was offered a bright future. I harvested my efforts. They were not lost. I had someone looking after me. Career wise, it kept getting better.

Now, I still feel something missing. Maybe it's time to build my own family. Maybe because my parents are not here with me. Maybe it's all about work. What about relationships? what about family? What about friends? I have got to a point where work is priority and all others are secondary. This include health.

I guess there is only so much you can juggle. Guess that it an excuse and I cannot deny I am that ignorant.

But no, from today onwards, I will be that clown who juggles all three balls at the same time. Promising to never let it fall. Work hard and play later.....

i tried

I tried to be more understanding but the more I try to stand by you, the more foolish I feel I become.

I don't understand why before you borrowed my money, dumped all your current and future salary, risked losing your whole life savings and thinking so optimistically, did you not consider who you were sharing with? have you got a back up plan? How you want your life to be in the future? and how the business will go and if it will go the way you hope it will?

You said you wanted to learn. Well, I hope it has given you a great lesson, for throwing cash into the sea. Not only money is wasted but time as well.

So are you happy now? Have you learnt enough? Have you risk enough of our future to learn????

start from nothing.

it is okay

to need a house as collateral to buy into my pharmacy
yet not have enough no matter how much i save, for my house deposit because houses go up so much year after year - and therefore my salary is capped


it is okay

to not take a single penny from home ever since i start working yet have to pay for my education loan and still have to pay for my brother's living fees


it is okay

to take the burden on because i know my parents are old and my brother deserves the same sort of education that i was given


it is okay

when she says he is not good enough for me because i know nothing in the world would be good enough anyway for their little precious girl


but it is not okay

i try and try and i feel i am the only one struggling but i am still getting no where. i feel the world is so unfair. people born with golden spoon will still be spoonfed and people who are poor continues to be poor


but it is not okay

to put the burden on me and i feel like i am in no position to decline. why am i born to be so understanding and try to put everything on my shoulders when they are too small to carry


but it is not okay

i am trying to go for love yet let money be an obstacle to my happiness. that i have to choose sides - one which i choose will go against my values and the other if i choose, will go against my heart?

mum just left

when i was young, mum would always ring home to check on us and i always thought to myself, "is mum not working hard enough to have to time to ring us? or she just has nothing better to do". Being a workaholic, i hardly have anything on my mind when i work - be it personal issues or work issues, simply because i don't have the time!

but when mum was here for a week and i had to work for 4 days, three 9 to 9 shifts and one sunday shift, i find myself ringing to check on her all the time. mainly because i was worried of her, being dumped alone and she can't understand the aussie accent very well. i was worried she would get lost! so i finally understood, caring for someone comes naturally from within. it comes from your genuine love for someone and there is always time to care for someone!

mum's just left adelaide after a 9 day stay. it is a very sad day for me. she visited me at work before she left and i cried while typing scripts. my colleagues all gave big hugs. but sometimes i think to myself, it is just not fair! why do i have to be the one to leave my family back home? malaysia is not safe for me to go home to and i was given this opportunity to leave this horrible country yet i have to leave my most precious things there. it is no fair!!

if only i have a house - mum and dad can just stay with me. SIGHS

it is the past

my friend who is good friends with one of my ex has asked me if i was gonna be embarrassed by the presence of my ex whom i haven't talked to since we broke up 3 years ago (because he ignored me!) at her wedding. To which I replied "yes! but i would behave and make things more comfortable".

Eh people big wedding, takkan i give stupid face right? and what's more i am bridesmaid (almost maid of honour but i didn't want to give speech!and what do i know about weddings??). It's not like I really care about his feelings anymore but i've been imagining what to say when i see him, note: he is also coming to another friend's wedding, which means i'll see him probably 4-5 days in total.

a) could just walk up and shake his hand (HAHA) he'll probably be so dumbfounded he doesn't know what to do. and of course say hi!
b) could stare at him and wait til he says hi - i'm such a bitch!
c) ignore him the whole wedding - which is what he might choose to do

the question is (obvious) - how to face an ex? i have no experience in this whatsoever because i have always been able to maintain a good relationship with my exes. maybe they maintained a good relationship with me - knowing me, i would be whatever! how do you face someone who chose to ignore you and whom you haven't spoke to for so long that you barely remember how he looks like anymore? how do you face someone that shattered your heart into pieces thinking it was the best solution without asking you first?

i guess there is no better solution than to just face it. i shouldn't care so much now because i have move on..... WAY way long long LONG time a go....... fuck that prick! HAHHAHAHHAHA

WOW it's time...........!

i guess it's time to update this dead space here. has it been so long? this year passed by so quickly, i quit counting the days. sighs.

so what have i been up to these months? except having tonnes of visitors from overseas whether it's mine or my friends, countless karaoke til we were drunk night, clubbing til people got into fight nights, birthdays, dinners - this year has also been my holiday year!!

in jan, i went to adrian's friend's wedding in melbourne. in july, went to friend's birthday in sydney - had the opportunity to try world class's chef's degustation menu, and it was so awesome! food was great, ambiance was great, customer service was exceptional and the company of course, was fun! then mum is coming over in aug and i'll be going home end of the year for 4 weddings. cannot believe it and siew shan lyn, i am extending my holidays just for you babe!!!

besides taking on a super role i hated, i have also enrolled myself in diploma in retail management. it is so different from what i used to do in uni. it is so theory based but i do find some stuffs they teach very useful.

being pushed into managerial role just makes me hate my job - i dont get an increase in pay and i have to learn how to solve conflicts, try to tell people off etc.

i've always been not so confident but i'm really not cut out to manage a pharmacy, and it makes me think twice if i want to buy into this pharmacy because what's the point of being rich if i dont enjoy my job?

maybe i should give myself more credit for the stuffs i have done. well at least the pharmacy is still there and everything is still running smoothly. staffs are not leaving.

oh well if i think about the bad things that can happen - it hasn't happened yet - then maybe i am a good manager. but if i think about if the pharmacy is moving forward, i really doubt so.

so my leadership is a little bit like me - resistant to change :(

a different phase

As i step into my quarter life, I realize a lot of things are different now. The way I think, the things I want in life, the friends I hang out with... have all changed. The good thing is I do not regret what I have become today. There is nothing in life that I wish I can go back to change. I like what i am today, I like I have matured and become wiser and independent. Well except that I hate turning a quarter century, the number is getting just a little too big. lol.

Anyway there was this guy who come up to me all out of a sudden while i was working and *ahem* declared his love for me. I was like "jeez this guy is crazy man!" and he was! because at first he brought in flowers and chocolate and then he drop by to say hi when i wasn't working and then he bought me icecream and milk shake. NOTE: i do not know this guy at all. BUT hey!! I AM NOT TWENTY ANYMORE AND THESE TRICKS DON'T WORK ON ME! It made me realize how utterly GELI is it to receive flowers from someone i don't like/know and how I've changed from you know, liking handsome tall musically inclined romantic dudes to guys whom i know can take care of me in the future and someone who can be a good father to my children and someone whom i can depend on!

Nothing is absolute in life! who knows down the road, i might wanna feel young again and start liking handsome/cute/boyish guys. lol. for now i am happy with what i have and am ready for what i can achieve in future!